This blog is going to be a debbie downer…but it is important to me that I share my thoughts on this topic.  As you all know…Zeb and I had a miscarriage in 2007.  We aren’t sure whether I was 9  weeks or 15weeks along…but that doesn’t really matter.  We lost our little baby.  We lost a child.  In helping cope with our loss, we decided to name the little one Keelan.  We both felt like he was a boy, but we didn’t have testing done to be sure. 

Anyway, I guess the reason I am thinking about this so much (which first let me say that I think about Keelan everyday)…is because this weekend, we had two friends that lost their children late in pregnancy.  I found out Saturday morning about my first friend…and it broke my heart when I read the email.  I found out about my second friend on Sunday night…and it truly broke my heart as if it were my own family.  This couple experienced their first miscarriage right after Zeb and I did.  It sucks so bad.   I am deeply saddened by this tragedy.  I know that God has some reason for allowing or causing this to happen. ..but it doesn’t make it easier.

Well, I was talking about it this weekend to some people…and it was as if I was re-living the days and weeks following losing Keelan.  The things people say are ridiculous.  Let me tell you WHAT NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

1.  God is good.  (Yes, we know this..if we are Christians.  However, that does not make us feel much better at the moment.)

2. There was something wrong with your baby.  (And?  I would still want my baby no matter what was wrong with him…PERIOD.)

3.  This is better for you.  (Shut up…you don’t know what is best for me.)

4.  You can always try for another one.  (Maybe…maybe not.  We do know the innocence and excitement are often times lost when you experience the first one…muchless more than one loss.)

5.  Maybe you just weren’t ready to have a child.  (Excuse me?  Is that for you to decide?  Nope.)

6.  You must have done something wrong…otherwise God wouldn’t have done this.  (That’s just stupid…it’s not our fault.)

7.  It’s because you drank too much caffeine.  (Yes, some people are idiots and think that this is what you need to hear….since you aren’t ALREADY TELLING YOURSELF ALL OF THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY.)

8.  It is just meant to be.  (Look, this isn’t a romantic comedy…and this DOES NOT MAKE US FEEL BETTER.)

9.  It’s not like it was a real baby.  (Okay, you’re an idiot again….even if you don’t believe in life at conception….don’t say this to someone who has just lost a little one…EVER. )

10.  At least it was early on.  (SHUT UP….it doesn’t matter how early…you already go into “parent” mode.  You love that child no matter what.  If you have ever been pregnant, then you understand.  If you have ever started an adoption, then you understand. )

Those are many of my personal examples of things people said.  You wanna know what made me feel better?  When people talked about my baby.  When people say Keelan’s name.  Yes, I may cry…and that’s ok.  Don’t ignore it!  Maybe send a card.  Say “wow, that sucks so bad”.  You can even send a card and say the whole “May the Lord give you peace during this time.”  Acknowledge what happened.  Don’t be ignorant or try to use church-y phrases….they don’t work in these instances.  To be honest, the only thing that was comforting to me during that time…was God’s peace.  Zeb and I felt this overwhelming peace the night after we found out Keelan had no heartbeat…and the night before we went in for the D&C.  If you are close to the person, maybe just be there to let them cry….or see if they want to get out of the house.  Don’t push…but don’t forget them. 

I’m good at dates (usually).  This is a good thing, and it’s a bad thing.  That means that every year…I know the date I found out I was pregnant with Keelan, the date we didn’t hear the heartbeat, the date I actually had the miscarriage & D&C, the date he was due.  I have a box of stuff that was given to us when we found out we were pregnant with him.  I look in it on those dates…and sometimes at other times.  Sometimes, I lose control of myself and sob into the soft white blanket.  That’s okay.  This past July 18th (the 2nd anniversary date of the D&C), I sat in our office floor that morning reading the cards that people sent to us for the first time since we received them.  I didn’t remember most of them I think because I was on pain killers, and from what I understand…you sometimes don’t remember stuff when you experience trauma.  It was very  nice, though…to see how loving some of our friends (well, and some people we didn’t even know) were.  Thank you, by the way, to all of you were there for us.

I know now that God really did answer our prayers.  We prayed that Keelan would never have to feel heartache.  He won’t.  We prayed that he would know the Lord at an early age.  He does.  He truly will walk with God all of his days.  I often think about him playing in Heaven.  Zeb and I have funny little mental images of him…he’s our little cricket.  (Long story.)  He’s better off than we are…and I really do know that.  It still doesn’t take away the ache that I have in my heart when I want to know what he would look like or sound like.  I know others feel the same way.  I don’t think that will ever go away.  In fact, I hope it doesn’t.  I love that kid…and as weird as it sounds…sometimes the pain makes me feel closer to him. 

You know what, though, losing him made me that much more appreciate and thankful for Zoe.  I truly know what a gift she is.  She didn’t take Keelan’s place.  No one ever will.  Zoe has her own place in our hearts.  I don’t think Keelan would have it any other way if he knew better.  To be honest, if I’m not selfish…I don’t think I would either.  I’ll see Keelan in heaven.  Right now he’s probably off playing with some friends or crawling in Jesus’ lap asking Him a gazillion questions.  (So, yeah, I don’t know how theologically sound that is…but honestly, I’m totally ok with that.)

Wow, I didn’t mean for this post to be so long.  I guess I just needed to get some of that off my chest.  To my friends who have recently lost children, I am so so sorry for your loss.  I am praying for you.  I know that this time is so very painful.  To my friends who have lost a child at any point…I am so sorry for your loss as well.  The pain never stops…sometimes it is dull and other times it feels as if it just happened.  We are in a club that bonds us…but that none of us wishes in which we had been inducted.  Then there is another special group of people…the ones who haven’t been able to have children.  I am so sorry for the pain that you experience each day with this.  I don’t even know what to say…other than I’m sorry.  (That’s a whole different soap box of things NOT to say, though….and I”m sure I’ve said a few of the stupid things myself.)

Well, now that I have been a complete downer…I want you to know that I am not angry or upset about what has happened.  I truly am thankful and okay with what happened.  I have hard days.  I have days that are very confusing to me…especially when I hear of friends that have experienced this.  I really do know that God is a good God.  I know that He loves us.  I know that He also knows what it is like to lose a Child.  He’s not safe, but He is good.  He is the Healer.  He is my Peace.

Wow, time flies!  Zoe is 15 months today (and Trenton is 17 months)!
My little baby is quickly becoming a little girl.  She is not just a little girl, but she’s a GIRLIE GIRL!  How did that happen?  Her favorite toy is the new pink purse that her daddy bought her while we were at the beach.  It’s pretty hilarious to watch her walk around with that and her little bracelets.  I’ll admit, though, that I really do enjoy it.  Who knew?  I actually like the color pink?!?!  Can you believe it? 

Well, let’s see what’s new….oh, yes, we are about to go on a bazillion trips…which is super exciting!  We just got home from the beach two weekends ago.  Next weekend, I’m headed to TN to hang out with my sis and Veronica to have a much needed girls weekend.  Yay!  Then the following weekend we’re off to see our SPECIAL friends Jay, Sarah Kate, Lincoln, and Millie!  We are sooo excited about this trip…we haven’t gotten to spend much quality time together in a while…this will be fabulous!  Then in October…Zeb’s going on a camping trip with his Cullmanite friends.  And here’s the biggie trip…we are headed to Denver!!!!!  I’ve always wanted to go to Colorado, and Zeb talks about when he lived there a lot….so we are going to finally get to see some wonderful friends (Theresa, Clint, Joy, Jamie, and Breeson!)  This is one trip that I really didn’t expect to happen…but it did.  Thank you, Lord…we appreciate You putting Southwest in our lives!    We will be in Denver for a whole week!  And finally, if everything works out right…we are headed to Dallas in November for our friend, Will McCall’s wedding!  So, friends, we have a lot to look forward to in the coming months!

So, I’m a little bit behind on updating my blog..wow.  3 months!  Sorry! 

We’ve been a bit busy lately.  Since April, Zoe has turned 1!  Can you believe it?  I definitely CANNOT!  It’s crazy having a “toddler’ now.  I wouldn’t change it for the world, though.

Let’s see…I’ll do a quick update below.

May 21st–Zoe turned 1 year old!

June went by really fast…I don’t even remember what all happened.

July…we had Independence Day.  Zoe had a blast watching the fireworks.  We hung out with David, Meredith, and Trent…it was greeat!

Okay, so…we all know that Christian holidays have become super commercialized.  I get it.  That’s part of our world now.  But…do we as Christians sit and think about what these “holidays” really mean?  Our pastor (who is super wonderful…his name is John Richardson) asked the following question during his sermon yesterday “How many of us have felt the same way the day after Easter as we did the day before Easter…year after year?”  It made me think…that’s me.  I mean, yes, I do think about what it means that Christ died for us.  However, it’s not just at Easter.  But, really, the day after Easter shouldn’t be just another day…or should it?  We should be changed anyway.  We should be rejoicing day after day that our Lord has risen.  He’s the only God that has died for His people.  He is the only God that was willing to make that sacrifice.  Sometimes I do wonder what that really means for me.  I can’t grasp that at all.  I really can’t.

Anyway, more about this commercialization thing.  Okay, people get upset because Easter (to many) has become a fashion show.  It’s about getting more gifts that we don’t need or deserve.  It’s a time to play with the Easter Bunny and hunt Easter eggs.  Some people think this is terrible…and I get that if that’s all you do…then you don’t get what EAster is about.  However, why can’t we embrace that part, too, and have fun with it?  We let Zoë see Santa and the Easter Bunny (*gasp*)…and she got presents for Christmas and a small Easter Basket (from us..lol…and lots from everyone else..).  BUT..it is Mine and Zeb’s job as parents to teach her what Christmas and Easter and EVERY OTHER DAY is really about.  So, with that said…she’s going to hunt for eggs next year…and she’s gonna see Santa and the Easter Bunny again.  And you know what…she may even get a new dress just in time for Easter…but we will teach her that while these things are fun, this is not what her life is about. 

What do you guys think about this?  Give me your honest opinions.

PS…here are some pics from this weekend.  Please excuse my child…she really is a super happy baby…she just has a tendency to smile right until the instant the camera snaps!  (Just ask ANYONE who has ever tried to take her pics!)

Aunt Sneezles, Uncle Easter Bunny, & Zoë (she actually liked them…though, my dear sweet child never smiles at the camera)

Zoe and Aunt Manda

Some of you have asked me how I save money.  I’m going to give some more tips…basically websites that are AMAZ-ZA-ZING.  (Anyone know what movie that’s from?)  Anyway, I check these websites everyday to see what great deals they are going to show. 

One of my faves is www.dealseekingmom.com .  It’s a little overwhelming at first.  It’s got a ton of info.  There’s a little section on coupons that you can use at Wal-Mart to get stuff free.  (I’m not a huge fan of Wal-Mart right now simply because the people that work there are rude and customers are too…but sometimes I go for health/beauty aids.)  Also, if you sign up to receive the updates, it’ll tell you what the deals are at all the grocery stores plus what coupons to use.  They also give you links to get more coupons.

Another one is http://blog.al.com/bargain-mom/  I check this website daily.  She’s got tons of great stuff here in the ‘ham.  It can be random stuff that’s free to do for the weekend, new coupons, or it may just be a blog about someone she knows that is great at saving money.  Anyway, it’s random info that can be VERY helpful.

This has become another fave of mine: http://www.couponcravings.com/  holy cow…she’s got some coupons on this blog.  They aren’t always useful here in this area because we don’t have Friendlys (which is delicious) or Donut Connection, but there are other helpful coupons or other extras. 

If any of you watch Fox 6, then you should be well aware of who the bargainomics lady is.  If you aren’t familiar with her, then here’s her website to help you along.  It’s only updated like once a month…but those bargains really can help you!  http://bargainomics.com/ 

Also, don’t forget to join Publix Baby Club and Winn Dixie baby club for all you new moms (or about to be new moms).  Oh, and if you are preggo and have BCBS insurance, then there is a place where you register for the Baby To Be program ( i think that’s what it’s called).  A nurse will call you to get your info set up…and they send you TONS of great stuff in the mail.  It’s very helpful, too, if you have any questions about the pregnancy.

Umm…that’s all for today regarding the saving money.  I’m going to the grocery store for my monthly run next week…I’ll try to remember to post how much moolah I saved with my coupons (and BOGOs and clearance, etc). 

Jack Ryan is supposed to enter the world today!  Happy Birthday, Jack!  Woo hoo!

Okay, so my last post was a bit stressful.  However, today is a great day.  It’s just one of those days that nothing much is going on…but I just feel so HAPPY!  Our house is in the process of getting clean (Zeb has been AMAZING.  He has done soooo much to help this week!  My husband is great.).  We have a plan to finish the renovations on our house.  (That all depends on finances of course.)   We will have the doctor that did Zeb’s surgery paid off this month!  Yee haw! 

One thing is making me a bit nervous is Zoe’s getting tubes next Thursday.  She’s got her 5th ear infection right now.  Our ENT told us he thinks we should go ahead with the surgery.  We knew it was coming, but it’s just a scary thought to have your kid go into surgery!  I know, I know…it’s going to be fine.  Doctors do this all day everyday.  It’s just different when it’s your own kid!  Zoe’s a trooper, though.  She really is a great “sick” kid.  Most people would have no idea she’s even sick.

I think another reason this week has been so great….is because my husband and daughter have been wonderful.  Really, Zeb has helped so much around the house…and I haven’t even ASKED him too!  He’s been really sweet and so thoughtful.  (hum, i need to think of something special to do for him…any suggestions?)  Zoe has also been sleeping so well this week.  We aren’t sure why, but she’s slept through the night every night.  (For those of you who don’t know…she slept through the night great from 5 weeks until about a two months ago…then she started getting up all the time.)  Zeb put her bed down (because the little booger is pulling up now).  We’ve also been leaving her door shut…and she’s got 3 paci’s in her bed.  So, we don’t know what the change was…but we’re sticking with all of the changes! 

So, things are good.

Ugh…I hate this feeling.  Yesterday I had had it.  I went home to a dirty house (again) that has no food (still).  I had to go to the grocery store…which isn’t my favorite thing to do.  I got my mom to watch Zoe while Zeb stayed home because he wasn’t feeling well….and then I headed off to TWO (yes, two) grocery stores.  Publix and Winn Dixie were both having BOGO sales on things that we actually did need.  Then I came home and just suddenly felt super overwhelemed.  Our kitchen is a disaster…and it stays that way.  Okay, let’s face it…everything stays a disaster…but the kitchen is what really gets me.

Anyway, as some of you know…we don’t have a dishwasher.  Doing the dishes is my LEAST favorite chore to do anyway, but without a dishwasher it is absolutely horrific to me.  I HATE the dishes…so they just pile up and pile up.  There was a deal that was made a while back, but that never actually took effect.  So, the dishes sit there forever which takes up counter, table, and Jessie’s cage space.  So, I bring in the groceries (yes, Zeb helped), and I just throw them on the dirty floor.  I’m totally frustrated with this whole situation.  Why does this happen?  Why can’t we keep it clean?  What can we do different? 

I know it’s better to put things away as soon as you use them…but honestly, it’s just hard.  We leave to go to work at 7:15, come home at 6:00.  We have to feed Zoe, play with her a little bit, and then get her ready for bed.  That’s on a good day when we are actually home before 9:00 pm.  So, you see…that’s why things just kind of get put to the side (and on top, and all around).  It would be a little easier if I were a stay at home mom.  I’d be there to do those things.  Now, I know that everything will not always get done, but it’d be nice if sometimes something would get done.

It doesn’t help that we are gone ALL of the time.  And…again, for those that know me…I’m actually not an outgoing person.  I need my time, but it seems as if I never get it.  Meredith (MDave’s wife) and I talk often about how it really is hard being a mom sometimes.  We are the ones that really are responsible for so much that goes on.  We have to make sure everyone (including baby, husband, and dog) is fed…what they need to eat, how often, etc.  We have to be sure that the house somehow gets clean (whether it is getting help by those that don’t WANT to do it).  We have to make sure the clothes are washed, dried, and put away (assuming that your dryer works and doesn’t drive you crazy).  You have to make sure everything is scheduled out (who has dr. appts and when…how are you going to arrange everything since you only have one working vehicle).  And yet…somehow…people tell us to take a little “me time” for a few minutes a day……WHEN IS THIS? 

Anyway, so I thought that last night it would help to write down my “to-do” list.  It ended up being two pages…but I did put even the little things on there (wash clothes, dry clothes, hang clothes, fold clothes, put away clothes).  It helped clear my brain just a bit because I was trying to remember all of the things that I needed to do…which just added to the stress of it.  Oh, and to top it off….I have an ear infection, sinus infection, and TMJ.  (The TMJ thing was actually a relief to find out…my ENT told me since my dentist didn’t seem to be able to figure out what was going on.  My ENT said “Are you stressed?  Do you grit your teeth?”  Um, yes…I am stressed and yes, I grit my teeth a lot)

Anyway, so that’s where I am right now….a bit stressed and overwhelmed.  Maybe once I’m home long enough to mark some things off my to-do list…and maybe when I’m able to not have to be in charge of making sure everything at least gets halfway done…I’ll feel a bit better.

Sorry for the “not so happy” blog today.  I just needed to let it out.

Happy Two Year Anniversary to Us!  Zeb and I made it two years!  Yay!  We were talking last night about how it seems like we’ve been together so much longer than two years.  We have been through so much already.  It’s been fun, and it’s been hard….I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I love my hubby!!!  I’m looking forward to the next two. 

We aren’t doing anything particularly special today.  We did spend all day Saturday together.  My mom took Zoe, and Zeb and I just hung out like old times.  We went and saw two movies (one at the $1 theater so it wasn’t too expensive).  We saw Twilight (yay, except it wasn’t anything like the book)…and then we saw Taken (holy crap…Zoe is NEVER going anywhere without me).  We ate Krispy Kreme for dinner…which was a treat because Zeb’s always like ‘No, you can’t eat dessert before dinner’…but haha..we didn’t just eat it before dinner…it WAS dinner.  We laughed a lot and joked around a lot.  It was very refreshing. 

How fun….I know it doesn’t come as a surprise to some of you that Zeb and I are married, but it is still a surprise to me.  Remember, “I’m never getting married’ and “We’ll fight”.    Well, we did get married and we do fight…but we do have a BLAST!!!!  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

I never thought I’d be one.  I never thought I could ever get into this…but here I am.  I’m addicted to Twilight.  It’s true…vampires and all.  I swore I’d never read them.  Why would I?   I mean, seriously, vampires falling in love?  Well, if this gives you an idea of how well Stephenie Meyers writes…well, I had myself wondering if Vampires really do exist.  I must blame this silly addiction on my sister.  She kept telling me about it.  Manda and I usually tell each other if we’ve read a good book.  We usually talk about our man Nicholas (Sparks) or my other friend Danielle (Steel).    Well, she kept talking about this silly book series, and I finally told her I’d read it at some point.  The first book, Twilight, is a very thick book.  I figured it’d take me forever to read it because I don’t seem to have a lot of freetime.  Well, friends, I read it in three days….and I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m here at work with nothing to do at the moment, and all I can think of is “I should have gone ahead and bought the 2nd book”.  Oh well. 

So, other news…..Zoe is going to be turning 9 months tomorrow.  I can’t believe it.  She’s growing up!  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) she still isn’t crawling or walking. …or holding her own bottle for that matter.  She’s lazy!  Now, if she was in a race to roll faster and crazier than any other kid…she’d win.  Homegirl can roll….roll up and down the hall around the living room.  She can turn on a dime.  She’s a trip.  She can stand up and hold on to the couch or chair or whatever…but no walking.  Finally, she really can hold her own bottle.  She’s done it for other people…I’ve seen it.  BUT she won’t hold it when I”m feeding her.  Silly kid.  I can’t complain, though, I like that she still lets me do some things for her.  I know it won’t last long. 

Well….that’s all for today.  I’ve got kind of an interesting week full of random anniversaries.  Saturday Zoe will be 9 months, Tuesday is mine and Zeb’s 2 year anniversary (hooray!), and then Friday would be Keelan’s one year birthday if he was born on his due date.  So, it’s kind of going to be emotional….good, sad, weird.  I’m looking forward to it, though.  I really am.

Okay, most of you know that I am a freak about saving money.  I’m very frugal (to a fault at times).  I used to read “the Frugal Mom” website everyday until she decided that she could no longer blog.  I learned a lot from her.  Anyway, now I am searching for tips online for how to save money.  If you know of any websites or tips that will help me save money…just let me know.  I’m all about some coupons.

Speaking of coupons….I was looking at this website that gave tips about buying groceries when I stumbled upon a section labeled “expired coupons”.  It explained that several military bases allow expired coupons to be used, so we could send them to military families there to help them.  I wish I would have seen this before yesterday.  I threw away about 30 great coupons that could have been used.  I’m going to post the link below so that you can see the website for the tips as well as for the place to send expired coupons. http://www.grocerysavingtips.com/expiredgrocerycoupons.htm

Here’s one of my money saving tips…USE COUPONS ALL THE TIME.  Zeb hates coupons.  He thinks they are ridiculous.  However, when he saw that I shopped at Publix (yes, they are a little higher, but more on that later) and saved over $75 in coupons alone…he understood why I clip coupons so often.  Now, about Publix….I love Publix.  It truly is a pleasure to shop there.  People seem to enjoy their job.  But why do I love Publix the most?!?  They have GREAT sales and they double coupons up to $.50.  They have tons of BOGO sales.  I’ve found that when I go buy stuff that is on sale or BOGO AND I use a coupon…it’s super cheap.  The other day I got a ton of baby food that should have cost about $35-40…for $10.   Yes, that is a $30 discount.  I had coupons, some was BOGO, and some was just on sale.  It was great! 

I’m not ashamed of my little coupon binder.  It’s a way that saves us literally hundreds of dollars.  The coupons add up.  I don’t care if someone is behind me in line.  I know they shudder when they see that I’m about to hand the cashier 50 coupons.  Again, another reason I love Publix is because their cashiers are competant, intelligent people.  They ring up the coupons immediately when they finish ringing up the food.  This is one reason I sometimes HATE Walmart.  Their cashiers are incompetant, and they usually forget to ring up the coupons even though I’d mentioned it several times.  The first couple of times it happened…I let it slide.  The third, fourth, and fifth time…I went to customer service to get my money back.  It was a hassle for everyone involved…another reason I don’t shop at Walmart as often. 

 Anyway, I think I’m done for now.  Basically what my thoughts are about today would be….save more money.  I’m so ready to be out of debt…we need to save more to do that.  It will happen, though.  One day…it’ll happen.  (And it will be in part because of my coupon clipping days.)