I don’t take praying lightly.  I don’t tell people that I will pray for them if I don’t plan on it.  I don’t use it to bring comfort unless I truly mean that I will pray.  That may sound weird, but it annoys me when people say it and don’t mean it.  I used to think that I wasn’t very good at praying…I don’t use big words, and often times I feel like I sound childish when I pray aloud.  However, when I pray alone…it’s such a sweet time.  I can talk to God any way I want and feel is appropriate.  If I’m angry or super excited…or scared or just unsure….I know God is listening.  It’s just a relief.

I also used to think people were crazy when they would say that they would wake up in the middle of the night and pray for someone or something…but I’ve noticed that happens fairly often these days. 

Anyway, this is a really random post (as usual..lol).  I just felt like writing about it.  I’m not saying I’m a super spiritual person nor am I saying that I am the best at praying.  What I am saying is that I enjoy praying…and if I tell you that I am going to pray for you…I will.  I mean that.

So, before I go, I’d like to ask you guys to pray for a few people.  I am only going to name one family, but there are some others that are on my heart but it’s personal stuff for them that I don’t want to post.  Please keep the Floyd family in your prayers.  Todd was deployed today for 400 days.  (For those of you who don’t know…Todd is Zeb’s very best friend in the world.  He was in our wedding.)  Loni (his wife) is obviously at home and having to take care of their two kids without him for a while.  Please pray for his safety, his and his family’s sanity, and for their friend’s.  I know Zeb’s kind of having a rough time with it. 

See ya!
Holly

So far this has been a totally different pregnancy than with Zoë.  I haven’t been anywhere near as sick as I was with Zoë.  While some may be thankful for this, I’m not.  I actually “enjoyed” spending time at the toilet.  It gave me the feeling that I was in control.  Well, let’s just say that God’s like “Oh, you’re in control, huh?  Let’s just see about that.”  So, I’m really having to learn how to trust Him with this.  I’ve been waaaay more tired this time, though.  I haven’t had too terribly many food aversions yet, though there are a few.  I have been really hungry. 

Anyway, for those of you that actually read my blog, you know that this is a scary time for us.  We lost Keelan when he was around 6 weeks.  We didn’t see a heartbeat with Zoë at 5 weeks (which I was further along, and they argued with me saying I wasn’t), so we had to wait a long agonizing week…but at the next appt she was measuring much bigger with a very strong heartbeat.  So, with this one…it was a miracle in and of itself to have a fairly normal first prenatal appt.  I look forward to getting past the first trimester.  But, I know that I serve a Good God.  I know that He does whatever is best for me and those around me.  Just pray that I will have a peace and even though I may fight it tooth and nail…that I will learn to fully rely on Him and Trust Him.

One more random comment about this….I must say it was very weird planning to have a kid.  The first two definitely weren’t planned really.  We fully expected to get pregnant right away.  Well, here we are 7 months later and pregnant.  I’m not complaining that it took that long (trust me, I would NEVER complain about this part)…it was just weird and different than we expected.

Okay, I’m off to bed now.  I’ve got to get up super early to go to work.

Then, Saturday I stayed in my pj’s almost all day.  I put on some sweat pants around 5:00 pm so we could run to the thrift store.  LOL.  It was very shocking to not have anything going on.  Zoë was a super sweet kid all weekend, too…which made it so much better!  I didn’t feel rushed or like I should be doing something else.  I truly took my time to enjoy the relaxation that God provided.  Last night, I climbed in my bed…and watched a few episodes of Bones on Hulu.  (Zeb was out with a friend.)  It’s the small things, people!

This wasn’t an important post…but I just thought I’d share my special weekend.

Anyway, so, I’ve been getting a lot of stuff organized and having meetings for this foster care/orphan ministry that I am helping to start at our church.  I’m SOOOOOO EXCITED about it.  I cannot wait to see what amazing things God is going to do with this ministry.  I met with a lady from Brook Hills to see how they got started and what they do there.  She was super nice, and she gave me a ton of great information.  They have got some INCREDIBLE ministries there for families.  I really hope that our church will respond to this call.  I’m meeting with the lady that is in charge of this ministry at Church of the Highlands on Monday.  She was super nice on the phone…so I look forward to meeting with her.  I have about 3 other people that I need to call from other churches…including the wonderful Wellspring Church (an AMiA church in Colorado where Clint and Theresa go).  ***side note…other than our church (St. Peter’s Anglican)…I’ve never been to another church that has just swept me off my feet like Wellspring did.  So, if any of you are ever in Denver, Colorado…you should check it out.

Okay, so I’m really nervous about starting this ministry BECAUSE OF WHAT GOD’S GOING TO DO.  I know He’s got some amazing things planned.  I don’t know what it is going to look like, work, etc.  If you know me, then you know that is very hard for me.  Zeb loves that about God.  He loves that he serves a God that doesn’t tell us all the answers.  I, on the other hand, have trouble with that.  I like knowing what is going to happen, how it will be organized, why we are doing things the way we are doing them.  But alas…I’m happier knowing that I do serve a God that is WAAAAYYYY bigger than I am and that sees ALL!

Also, if anyone is interested in foster care or how you can help with members in your church that are foster families…let me know.  I’ll get the info for you.  I’ve got connections now..lol.

Love,
Holly

PS….could someone for real tell me how to make my blog cute?

Anyway, I guess the reason I am thinking about this so much (which first let me say that I think about Keelan everyday)…is because this weekend, we had two friends that lost their children late in pregnancy.  I found out Saturday morning about my first friend…and it broke my heart when I read the email.  I found out about my second friend on Sunday night…and it truly broke my heart as if it were my own family.  This couple experienced their first miscarriage right after Zeb and I did.  It sucks so bad.   I am deeply saddened by this tragedy.  I know that God has some reason for allowing or causing this to happen. ..but it doesn’t make it easier.

Well, I was talking about it this weekend to some people…and it was as if I was re-living the days and weeks following losing Keelan.  The things people say are ridiculous.  Let me tell you WHAT NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

1.  God is good.  (Yes, we know this..if we are Christians.  However, that does not make us feel much better at the moment.)

2. There was something wrong with your baby.  (And?  I would still want my baby no matter what was wrong with him…PERIOD.)

3.  This is better for you.  (Shut up…you don’t know what is best for me.)

4.  You can always try for another one.  (Maybe…maybe not.  We do know the innocence and excitement are often times lost when you experience the first one…muchless more than one loss.)

5.  Maybe you just weren’t ready to have a child.  (Excuse me?  Is that for you to decide?  Nope.)

6.  You must have done something wrong…otherwise God wouldn’t have done this.  (That’s just stupid…it’s not our fault.)

7.  It’s because you drank too much caffeine.  (Yes, some people are idiots and think that this is what you need to hear….since you aren’t ALREADY TELLING YOURSELF ALL OF THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY.)

8.  It is just meant to be.  (Look, this isn’t a romantic comedy…and this DOES NOT MAKE US FEEL BETTER.)

9.  It’s not like it was a real baby.  (Okay, you’re an idiot again….even if you don’t believe in life at conception….don’t say this to someone who has just lost a little one…EVER. )

10.  At least it was early on.  (SHUT UP….it doesn’t matter how early…you already go into “parent” mode.  You love that child no matter what.  If you have ever been pregnant, then you understand.  If you have ever started an adoption, then you understand. )

Those are many of my personal examples of things people said.  You wanna know what made me feel better?  When people talked about my baby.  When people say Keelan’s name.  Yes, I may cry…and that’s ok.  Don’t ignore it!  Maybe send a card.  Say “wow, that sucks so bad”.  You can even send a card and say the whole “May the Lord give you peace during this time.”  Acknowledge what happened.  Don’t be ignorant or try to use church-y phrases….they don’t work in these instances.  To be honest, the only thing that was comforting to me during that time…was God’s peace.  Zeb and I felt this overwhelming peace the night after we found out Keelan had no heartbeat…and the night before we went in for the D&C.  If you are close to the person, maybe just be there to let them cry….or see if they want to get out of the house.  Don’t push…but don’t forget them. 

I’m good at dates (usually).  This is a good thing, and it’s a bad thing.  That means that every year…I know the date I found out I was pregnant with Keelan, the date we didn’t hear the heartbeat, the date I actually had the miscarriage & D&C, the date he was due.  I have a box of stuff that was given to us when we found out we were pregnant with him.  I look in it on those dates…and sometimes at other times.  Sometimes, I lose control of myself and sob into the soft white blanket.  That’s okay.  This past July 18th (the 2nd anniversary date of the D&C), I sat in our office floor that morning reading the cards that people sent to us for the first time since we received them.  I didn’t remember most of them I think because I was on pain killers, and from what I understand…you sometimes don’t remember stuff when you experience trauma.  It was very  nice, though…to see how loving some of our friends (well, and some people we didn’t even know) were.  Thank you, by the way, to all of you were there for us.

I know now that God really did answer our prayers.  We prayed that Keelan would never have to feel heartache.  He won’t.  We prayed that he would know the Lord at an early age.  He does.  He truly will walk with God all of his days.  I often think about him playing in Heaven.  Zeb and I have funny little mental images of him…he’s our little cricket.  (Long story.)  He’s better off than we are…and I really do know that.  It still doesn’t take away the ache that I have in my heart when I want to know what he would look like or sound like.  I know others feel the same way.  I don’t think that will ever go away.  In fact, I hope it doesn’t.  I love that kid…and as weird as it sounds…sometimes the pain makes me feel closer to him. 

You know what, though, losing him made me that much more appreciate and thankful for Zoe.  I truly know what a gift she is.  She didn’t take Keelan’s place.  No one ever will.  Zoe has her own place in our hearts.  I don’t think Keelan would have it any other way if he knew better.  To be honest, if I’m not selfish…I don’t think I would either.  I’ll see Keelan in heaven.  Right now he’s probably off playing with some friends or crawling in Jesus’ lap asking Him a gazillion questions.  (So, yeah, I don’t know how theologically sound that is…but honestly, I’m totally ok with that.)

Wow, I didn’t mean for this post to be so long.  I guess I just needed to get some of that off my chest.  To my friends who have recently lost children, I am so so sorry for your loss.  I am praying for you.  I know that this time is so very painful.  To my friends who have lost a child at any point…I am so sorry for your loss as well.  The pain never stops…sometimes it is dull and other times it feels as if it just happened.  We are in a club that bonds us…but that none of us wishes in which we had been inducted.  Then there is another special group of people…the ones who haven’t been able to have children.  I am so sorry for the pain that you experience each day with this.  I don’t even know what to say…other than I’m sorry.  (That’s a whole different soap box of things NOT to say, though….and I”m sure I’ve said a few of the stupid things myself.)

Well, now that I have been a complete downer…I want you to know that I am not angry or upset about what has happened.  I truly am thankful and okay with what happened.  I have hard days.  I have days that are very confusing to me…especially when I hear of friends that have experienced this.  I really do know that God is a good God.  I know that He loves us.  I know that He also knows what it is like to lose a Child.  He’s not safe, but He is good.  He is the Healer.  He is my Peace.

Well, let’s see what’s new….oh, yes, we are about to go on a bazillion trips…which is super exciting!  We just got home from the beach two weekends ago.  Next weekend, I’m headed to TN to hang out with my sis and Veronica to have a much needed girls weekend.  Yay!  Then the following weekend we’re off to see our SPECIAL friends Jay, Sarah Kate, Lincoln, and Millie!  We are sooo excited about this trip…we haven’t gotten to spend much quality time together in a while…this will be fabulous!  Then in October…Zeb’s going on a camping trip with his Cullmanite friends.  And here’s the biggie trip…we are headed to Denver!!!!!  I’ve always wanted to go to Colorado, and Zeb talks about when he lived there a lot….so we are going to finally get to see some wonderful friends (Theresa, Clint, Joy, Jamie, and Breeson!)  This is one trip that I really didn’t expect to happen…but it did.  Thank you, Lord…we appreciate You putting Southwest in our lives!    We will be in Denver for a whole week!  And finally, if everything works out right…we are headed to Dallas in November for our friend, Will McCall’s wedding!  So, friends, we have a lot to look forward to in the coming months!

We’ve been a bit busy lately.  Since April, Zoe has turned 1!  Can you believe it?  I definitely CANNOT!  It’s crazy having a “toddler’ now.  I wouldn’t change it for the world, though.

Let’s see…I’ll do a quick update below.

May 21st–Zoe turned 1 year old!

June went by really fast…I don’t even remember what all happened.

July…we had Independence Day.  Zoe had a blast watching the fireworks.  We hung out with David, Meredith, and Trent…it was greeat!

Anyway, more about this commercialization thing.  Okay, people get upset because Easter (to many) has become a fashion show.  It’s about getting more gifts that we don’t need or deserve.  It’s a time to play with the Easter Bunny and hunt Easter eggs.  Some people think this is terrible…and I get that if that’s all you do…then you don’t get what EAster is about.  However, why can’t we embrace that part, too, and have fun with it?  We let Zoë see Santa and the Easter Bunny (*gasp*)…and she got presents for Christmas and a small Easter Basket (from us..lol…and lots from everyone else..).  BUT..it is Mine and Zeb’s job as parents to teach her what Christmas and Easter and EVERY OTHER DAY is really about.  So, with that said…she’s going to hunt for eggs next year…and she’s gonna see Santa and the Easter Bunny again.  And you know what…she may even get a new dress just in time for Easter…but we will teach her that while these things are fun, this is not what her life is about. 

What do you guys think about this?  Give me your honest opinions.

PS…here are some pics from this weekend.  Please excuse my child…she really is a super happy baby…she just has a tendency to smile right until the instant the camera snaps!  (Just ask ANYONE who has ever tried to take her pics!)

Aunt Sneezles, Uncle Easter Bunny, & Zoë (she actually liked them…though, my dear sweet child never smiles at the camera)

Zoe and Aunt Manda

One of my faves is www.dealseekingmom.com .  It’s a little overwhelming at first.  It’s got a ton of info.  There’s a little section on coupons that you can use at Wal-Mart to get stuff free.  (I’m not a huge fan of Wal-Mart right now simply because the people that work there are rude and customers are too…but sometimes I go for health/beauty aids.)  Also, if you sign up to receive the updates, it’ll tell you what the deals are at all the grocery stores plus what coupons to use.  They also give you links to get more coupons.

Another one is http://blog.al.com/bargain-mom/  I check this website daily.  She’s got tons of great stuff here in the ‘ham.  It can be random stuff that’s free to do for the weekend, new coupons, or it may just be a blog about someone she knows that is great at saving money.  Anyway, it’s random info that can be VERY helpful.

This has become another fave of mine: http://www.couponcravings.com/  holy cow…she’s got some coupons on this blog.  They aren’t always useful here in this area because we don’t have Friendlys (which is delicious) or Donut Connection, but there are other helpful coupons or other extras. 

If any of you watch Fox 6, then you should be well aware of who the bargainomics lady is.  If you aren’t familiar with her, then here’s her website to help you along.  It’s only updated like once a month…but those bargains really can help you!  http://bargainomics.com/ 

Also, don’t forget to join Publix Baby Club and Winn Dixie baby club for all you new moms (or about to be new moms).  Oh, and if you are preggo and have BCBS insurance, then there is a place where you register for the Baby To Be program ( i think that’s what it’s called).  A nurse will call you to get your info set up…and they send you TONS of great stuff in the mail.  It’s very helpful, too, if you have any questions about the pregnancy.

Umm…that’s all for today regarding the saving money.  I’m going to the grocery store for my monthly run next week…I’ll try to remember to post how much moolah I saved with my coupons (and BOGOs and clearance, etc). 

Okay, so my last post was a bit stressful.  However, today is a great day.  It’s just one of those days that nothing much is going on…but I just feel so HAPPY!  Our house is in the process of getting clean (Zeb has been AMAZING.  He has done soooo much to help this week!  My husband is great.).  We have a plan to finish the renovations on our house.  (That all depends on finances of course.)   We will have the doctor that did Zeb’s surgery paid off this month!  Yee haw! 

One thing is making me a bit nervous is Zoe’s getting tubes next Thursday.  She’s got her 5th ear infection right now.  Our ENT told us he thinks we should go ahead with the surgery.  We knew it was coming, but it’s just a scary thought to have your kid go into surgery!  I know, I know…it’s going to be fine.  Doctors do this all day everyday.  It’s just different when it’s your own kid!  Zoe’s a trooper, though.  She really is a great “sick” kid.  Most people would have no idea she’s even sick.

I think another reason this week has been so great….is because my husband and daughter have been wonderful.  Really, Zeb has helped so much around the house…and I haven’t even ASKED him too!  He’s been really sweet and so thoughtful.  (hum, i need to think of something special to do for him…any suggestions?)  Zoe has also been sleeping so well this week.  We aren’t sure why, but she’s slept through the night every night.  (For those of you who don’t know…she slept through the night great from 5 weeks until about a two months ago…then she started getting up all the time.)  Zeb put her bed down (because the little booger is pulling up now).  We’ve also been leaving her door shut…and she’s got 3 paci’s in her bed.  So, we don’t know what the change was…but we’re sticking with all of the changes! 

So, things are good.